I have to keep reminding myself that I am a sentimental person who is vulnerable and want to be loved unconditionally and is desperate to connect with another human being. Meanwhile I pretend I am not a deeply sentimental person who doesn’t want to be loved unconditionally, and is indifferent to the connection.

Insecurities

I don’t want to look down on anyone and I don’t want anyone to look down on me. It’s such a mad world where I have to hide from other people.

Somewhere between growing up and now I started to alienate my inner self from others. I always wanted to be as perfect as I can be so that others will all love and admire me. I started thinking that I could always be better and that there is always more to improve. Like society had social levels and I’m just leveling up as I go, whereby the higher my level the more people I could delight and topple.

I saw people as prey and the ones that I won over with my personality and charm were mere trophies I kept. Some believed that I was their true friend, in which I was, but not as close as they felt I was. Once I had the power over them, then it’s on with the next thing. That’s why I was able to drop people that easily, and that is why I find it difficult for me to really allow people in.

But I’m learning now, that it is unsustainable and unrealistic. I cannot go on living like this, from one target or targets to another. It doesn’t make me happy for long, it doesn’t keep me satisfied. It’s not how I want to live. I want to be braver, to wear more of my heart on my sleeve and be fearless and devout to others. To be straight forward without any manipulation.

Happi

If money, status, and family weren’t an issue, I would probably spend my life travelling and have flings all around the world. At the end of the journey, I would like to share my story and write a book, and with the royalties from the book, help orphaned children, because I pity them the most.